I don’t think I can be good anymore

I’ve been trying to figured out all week what exactly I want to write and how I was going to get this message out there. Let me start by saying it’s so very, so very, so very, hard to be good! It’s so hard to stay positive and fight temptations and just live righteously. If I may be vulnerable, there are times when I just want to do things I know I shouldn’t do. I want to go to that party and be “turnt”, I want to try this thing, I want to see that boy, I want to complain about everything, I want to throw a tantrum, I want to tell someone off, I want to wish bad on people who are doing bad. Sometimes I don’t want to actually read my bible because I would rather listen to music that isn’t glorifying Him. Sometimes I want to do those things…but I don’t. I remember doing some of those and look at where I am now and cannot go back. I remember vengeance to be the Lord’s, and I remember anger lies in the bosom of a fool, and I definitely remember:

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one Matt 6:13.

 At time’s I feel like I am missing out on life, missing my youth, but I am not. I suppose to look in the past is just a mind thing that with time ends. We are running a race and when you get close to the end you get tired, maybe even burnt out. If I could just take a 5 minute rest then I could finish, right?

I ran track when I was in high school, and whenever I would run the 400m I would be tired with just 100m left.  I couldn’t just stop, nap, and then finish, it didn’t work that way. Also, my coach would kick my butt off the team! We can’t just stop living righteously, go get drunk at the club, spend a night with some guy, curse the world, and then try to continue the race. The burdens of guilt that many of us may encounter would drag us down. There is mercy but no gifts for ignorance. I understand its hard, TRUST MEEEE I UNDERSTAND, but our race is so much bigger than that. The finish line that we are headed towards is much bigger than we see, closer in fact.  This week I came to the realization that I honestly have to keep running. I can’t let anything derail me from the goal I am aiming towards.  We get tired when we are close to the end but that’s how you know your close right? We have to keep pushing, keep fighting.

In this same mindset of keeping on I have also been really really upset with what’s going on in the world. By being upset with the world my head goes “WHATS THE POINT OF LIVING RIGHT AND BEING POSITIVE WHEN EVERYONE IS STILL LIVING WRONG!” and my heart goes “YOU WERE MADE FOR MORE!” It is so hard to stay positive and live right when every day, every single day you get a notification or a trending topic or a news story about #MISSINGDCGIRLS #FLINTWATERCRISIS #REFUGEECRISIS #ICANTBREATHE #POLARVORTEX  and the list goes on and on and on much of it being unreported! It is disheartening how this has become “the norm”. Why in the world have we come to let bad news become so numbing and normal?

“They’re shooting, lay low”….life goes on as another has just ended on a playground, which is not even being used as a playground.

This is the heartbreaking world we live in.

“Love like I’m not scared/ Give when it’s not fair/ Live life for another/ Take time for a brother/ Fight for the weak ones/ Speak out for freedom/ Find faith in the battle/ Stand tall but above it all/ Fix my eyes on You On You – “King and Country”

This song came on the radio this morning as I was thinking about recent news and getting angry, then things were put in perspective. I need to fix my eyes on He that does all and knows all. I remember the story when Jesus was walking on water and called Peter to meet Him. As Peter began to walk on water he got scared and began to sink, he lost faith for a moment. That story was me earlier in the week. Reading everything that is going on and all in my head I began to sink. I was starting to lose focus, starting to slow down on the race. Don’t let that be the case, it’s hard things we go through but we have to GO THROUGH them to get to the finish. In the midst of everything I have come to understand the role that God wants me to play and so because of that I cannot live in fear, anger, or temptation. I can’t sink no matter how strong the waves throw me. It’s definitely a hard race I am running but I will be pump my arms all the way to the end.

Now, what about those of your reading this who have yet to start? You possibly hate running, would rather just wait till it all passes and we all go out for ice cream after. Yea? No! Probably you’re so upset with everything or enjoying the “life” you are living and are thinking, “I can’t, not yet anyways” “I can’t be bothered” or “where is God when all this is happening?” I used to be the same way and trust me when I say, your enjoyment is temporary, God is not a bother, and He is definitely with you, and preparing you for more. 

 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding”. Proverbs 3:5

Right now is not the time to try to understand anything; you will give yourself a headache. TRUST IN HIM. It’s hard to see what is being seen and to avoid feeding the flesh. Honestly to just live a positive life. A righteous life is hard, but I wouldn’t be writing this if I haven’t experienced it and benefited. No I am not perfect, far from it, but I have peace. Even in the midst of it all I have peace, because my eyes have been fixed on the  Prince of Peace, and when I forget for a moment, because yes I am human:

The Lord gives strength to his people: the Lord blesses his people with peace “Psalm 29:11”



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